It isn’t that I can’t believe that I haven’t posted on my blog since November, that I haven’t worked on my writing since November (except in my writing groups), and I haven’t even updated a plugin on the website until yesterday. It is that I am annoyed at myself for all of this time having come between my last post and this one. The reason, mostly, was that my last post was days before my grandmother passed away. She had terminal pancreatic cancer, as I posted about multiple times, and we expected that she would eventually pass but the sudden decline from wanting to run around and be active to dying just a couple days later was not expected.
Death is not new to me. I’ve dealt with death many times both personally and professionally. I have walked into situations and found people I had never met dead, I’ve discovered people who had passed a week before and were just discovered by a neighbor or a concerned family member who hadn’t heard from them after attempting for a few days. I woke up one morning when I was fourteen to discover my father had passed away, and I held the hands of both grandmother’s when they passed. I know death, but it still surprised me. It surprised me because in my personal experiences, with death, it has always been a gradual process, but it wasn’t for her. Even though it was irrational, I never thought that I would see her pass especially on her seventieth birthday.
Motivation was gone after she passed to write, to look at my blog, or to look at my writing projects. I even took a long leave from my writing groups and thankfully had great friends who took charge and kept them moving in my absence. While it has been easier returning to my writing groups, I find it so much harder to return to my own personal writing and haven’t until this blog entry.
At the moment, I am in transition, in a lot of ways. I have resigned from my position at the 911 Center I work for, though I’ll be staying per diem. I have accepted a full-time position back at my primary EMS Agency and I’m excited to be doing that again every day. As I write this post, I’m sitting in the 911 center feeling out of place. I am still considered a full-time employee and will for another couple of weeks but I don’t feel at home anymore. I am on my way out and able to count the days I have left on my fingers it’s a strange feeling.
On the other hand not having started officially at my, sort of, new job I feel awkward there as well. When I am there to work shifts I set up as a per diem before being promoted and when asked if I’m available for an open shift still giving the answer that I have to work at my other job. I know that this will all feel much different when I sign into the MDT for the first time as an official full-time employee but for now I feel out of place no matter which employer I’m working for.
As for my blog and my writing, those are also in transition. As I slowly feel the motivation to do this returning I will be working on the site updating links, figuring out what parts of the site I want to keep or remove, etc. I plan on making the updates slowly and most likely won’t really announce them as formally as I had previously. I also plan on returning to writing and while I have a fairly good idea of what I would like to accomplish first I’m making no promises to myself or publically as to what they are right now.
So that’s all I have to update for now at least until these transitions are over.